Festivus for the Rest of Us

This year our office decided that for our holiday party we would celebrate Festivus. For those who don’t know about Festivus, you need to watch this episode of Seinfeld. It began when one of my coworker team leads brought in a 6 foot tall 4 inch diameter aluminum pole mounted in a cardboard box. By the end of the day it was decided that our holiday celebration would begin with a potluck lunch where we brought dishes representing our respective heritages or cultures. Then we would have the airing of grievances over lunch (more on this later). After the grievances, feats of strength and a gift exchange. We all did our research on Festivus which means we recorded and watched the Seinfeld episode. The same coworker team lead offered to collect grievances to be shared anonymously for those who couldn’t be there or who didn’t have the moxy to air them personally.

The date was set for Monday, December 17th. With a couple of weeks’ notice everyone had time to think over what to bring and what to air. My mom’s side is half Swiss-Italian and half Finnish/Swedish. I decided to bring in some Northern Italian fare and some Swedish Fish. I was out of town the week before our office party so I planned on having everything ready by Saturday mid-day. Events conspired against me with a red-eye flight that got me home at 6:30 am on Saturday, my cousin visiting from Philadelphia and my firm’s holiday party that night. I ran out of time.

Monday morning I grabbed some Swedish fish from the drug store on my way in. One of my coworkers is Czech and of course made Czech cookies from scratch. She saw my Swedish fish and immediately ridiculed me for bringing them in, noting specifically that they were manufactured in Canada! Who cares??? By about 9:30 am it was apparent that 70% of the office had brought dessert. (Why does everyone bring dessert to a potluck? Is it because you usually don’t have to reheat it? Are they inherently easier to transport? Are desserts cheaper to make/buy? ) Myself and two other employees decided to make a last minute run to the grocery store for some meal items. I found some Swedish Meatballs at the deli along with some pasta and spinach in a garlic sauce. Whatever. If my coworker had anything more to say she was going to take a meatball to the skull. It was close enough for me.

The potluck came off pretty well. Fortunately someone had been thinking the same thing and came back with three buckets of fried chicken. The lead at our client began the airing of grievances. This wasn’t an unusual habit for him so it didn’t take him more than a moment to really get into it. Ten minutes later we were actually starting to feel reprimanded. At that point he said it was someone else’s turn and proceeded to point his way around the room demanding we state our grievances. Everyone laughed nervously and some tossed out a grievance or two. I kept mine general and not targeted towards anyone specifically and definitely not related to the office. For instance, I hate it when I write a check and the recipient doesn’t cash it for 3-4 months. Really. Why would you wait that long? If you lost it, tell me. I’ll write you a new one. Back to the story:

About two thirds of the way around the room, the client got to one of his own employees who is known in the office for being a target. There isn’t a better word to describe him. In order for the story to flow we’ll call this guy Dan. Dan is a nice guy who doesn’t like confrontation and is a bit oversensitive. He is often the object of jokes in the office. He once asked a meeting be rescheduled to accommodate his lunchtime yoga class. People love to tell that story. Dan wanted business cards like some of the other employees so the client lead made him some spoof ones with extra large print and a ridiculous title. Dan took it poorly. A couple of months ago the client personnel were accompanying some of my coworkers on a visit to one of the client’s other locations. Dan wanted to come to. The client lead told him to get his supervisor’s permission and he could go. Dan acted like his mother said that after he cleaned his room he could go play baseball with his friends. There is a lot more.

So the client lead called on Dan. Dan spoke up and said his grievance was Festivus. Dan didn’t like Festivus. He likes Christmas with the attendant peace on earth and goodwill toward men. Dan didn’t like the airing of grievances. He went on for another moment at which point the client lead broke saying, “Oh, shut up Dan! Who’s next?” The room erupted in laughter and Dan’s complaints and protests were quickly passed over.

The feats of strength never happened for some reason. Maybe we were all too full from lunch.

The group generally agreed that Festivus was a success. It was a fun break with tradition, and it inspired a lot of creativity. The potluck came off okay in the end. A team member of mine may Jambalaya! The gift exchange got a lot of laughs. I got an alarm clock shaped like an egg that wobbles around the desk when the alarm goes off. The grievances were sufficiently aired and were left at the table. Or so we thought.

On Wednesday we all received an email from our client lead stating that he had heard indirectly from someone that people were offended/confused/hurt/upset by our Festivus celebration. He welcomed discussion and apologized if anyone was left feeling offended/confused/hurt/upset. He also stated that we would not be celebrating Festivus in the future. I’m sure it was Dan.